A year or so ago, I used to get at least 15 spam mails a day encouraging me to use their products to enlarge my (non-existent) penis. They all guaranteed ecstatic success with women. As a woman who was once in a long-term relationship with a man with an exceptionally large penis, I can confirm that, in my case at least, this was no guarantee of success and more a guarantee of having to be very careful. So I didn’t pay much attention, although one day I did get annoyed and redirected all of that day’s spam back to one of the senders*.
Perhaps this was related, but I was surprised later by an abrupt halt in the ginormous penis mails and the equally sudden inundation of lose weight without trying mails. Since I already have two foolproof diet regimes, the LYB (lose your boyfriend) or the EL (eat less) diets, I’ve never actually opened any of these mails promising me miraculous, effortless weight loss.
But I’m curious now. What will be next? Seeing as we’ve covered man’s deepest insecurity (penis size) and woman’s deepest insecurity (body shape), what’s left?
In case the field is open for suggestions, senders of spam mail please note that I would be really interested in hearing about products that would enable me to clean my house from the sofa or to increase the size of my bank balance simply by smiling at the bank manager. Failing that, a remote control for removing irritating neighbours to a desert island far away would come in handy, as would a device that prevented my dog from producing liquid stools (it’s the excitement) when on city streets.
*Many years ago, when junk mail used to come through my door, as opposed to digitally, a favourite past-time for a rainy day was to place rubbish from my bin in one of the pre-paid envelopes, together with a note saying “Thanks for the rubbish – have some of mine!”. I miss not being able to do this any more.