Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Suggestions





A year or so ago, I used to get at least 15 spam mails a day encouraging me to use their products to enlarge my (non-existent) penis.  They all guaranteed ecstatic success with women.  As a woman who was once in a long-term relationship with a man with an exceptionally large penis, I can confirm that, in my case at least, this was no guarantee of success and more a guarantee of having to be very careful.  So I didn’t pay much attention, although one day I did get annoyed and redirected all of that day’s spam back to one of the senders*.

Perhaps this was related, but I was surprised later by an abrupt halt in the ginormous penis mails and the equally sudden inundation of lose weight without trying mails.  Since I already have two foolproof diet regimes, the LYB (lose your boyfriend) or the EL (eat less) diets, I’ve never actually opened any of these mails promising me miraculous, effortless weight loss.

But I’m curious now.  What will be next? Seeing as we’ve covered man’s deepest insecurity (penis size) and woman’s deepest insecurity (body shape), what’s left? 

In case the field is open for suggestions, senders of spam mail please note that I would be really interested in hearing about products that would enable me to clean my house from the sofa or to increase the size of my bank balance simply by smiling at the bank manager.  Failing that, a remote control for removing irritating neighbours to a desert island far away would come in handy, as would a device that prevented my dog from producing liquid stools (it’s the excitement) when on city streets.


*Many years ago, when junk mail used to come through my door, as opposed to digitally, a favourite past-time for a rainy day was to place rubbish from my bin in one of the pre-paid envelopes, together with a note saying “Thanks for the rubbish – have some of mine!”.   I miss not being able to do this any more.

13 comments:

  1. I'll take one of everything in your last paragraph and can also confirm that the LYB (a close cousin to the LYH /husband) Diet works fabulously.

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    1. Doesn't it just! You can tell my emotional history by looking through drastic size changes in my wardrobe.

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  2. I can vouch for the LYH too. Best weight loss programme ever.

    I'd like spam on how to keep a clean, tidy, productive garden from the sofa as well as your other suggestions (except the dog poo one as I don't have a dog...).

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    1. How could I have forgotten the garden? Something like that robotic vacuum cleaner, that would trundle around the garden cutting the grass, sucking up the leaves, weeding and watering automatically would be nice.

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  3. Lovely and funny! I love the idea of sending rubbish to the advertisers. What about phone call spam - do you have any ideas? My mother used to put a three year old on the line to chat when she had one handy.
    And religious cold callers? Not sure if you get them where you are but those 7th Day Adventists get everywhere don't they? I used to engage them in conversations about my Goddess Worship group and would they like some information.
    Or my enjoyable attempts to convert Mormons to vegetarianism....

    Lovely to see you writing again!
    Kate x

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    1. I'm nice to cold callers now, ever since a friend of mine, single mother in dire straits, couldn't find any other work...

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  4. I used to send junk mail back too...no one sends it out here, so I have to make do with the spam.
    I haven't had the weight loss ones...but do have a stream of invitations to sleep with unfaithful wives while their husbands are out of town.
    I have other things to do.
    I too would like useful spam as outlined in your final paragraph...but as it's sent out by men, not much hope.

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    1. Spam is obviously a tellling indication of a nation's interests and preoccupations. Or men's idea of them.

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  5. A common mild revenge for mail spam in America back in the day was to seal and send back (empty) the free-response envelopes that came with it.

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    1. Yes, that's what I used to do as well, except that I used to put a little rubbish of my own into the envelope before sealing it ;-)

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  6. Sadly, it seems SPAM never offers anything nearly so practical as you suggest. Here in the States it is mostly cheap (prescription) drugs, hot "singles" in our area, or opportunities to lower our payments. I do hear there is a Nigerian out there hoping to give some money away.

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  7. I began laughing at the non-existent penis and I've still got a case of the chuckles. I think I only mailed spam back once but I used to call back those telephone solicitors and pretend I was interested in whatever they were selling. All the while I also pretended I was on the toilet and would groan and comment on the stuff I was excreting from my body.

    In my defense, I don't think I ever talked to your single mother. The live phone calls I didn't mind so much, it was the recorded ones that really irritated me.

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  8. Just to say that I miss your posts.

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